Genesis 4:15

"But the Lord said to him, 'Not so; if anyone kills Cain, he will suffer vengeance seven times over.'  Then the Lord put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him."  Genesis 4:15

God is reassuring Cain that he still has God's protection and as a reminder of that protection he is given a mark.  What does that say about our God that he still loved Cain even after Cain committed the first murder and killed his own brother?  Cain did something wrong - something terrible, but that doesn't make it okay to commit that same act on him. 

The "vengeance seven times over" is curious.  The first time seven was used, was God resting on the seventh day and now here it is again.  The number seven signifies perfect completion.  So is this saying whoever would kill Cain would receive the perfect vengeance?  It would be coming from God.

Can we ask or expect this same love from God for ourselves now?  Yes, God, I know I <stole, lied, gossiped, (insert sin)>, but now I'm afraid someone else will do the same to me.  Will God still protect us from the same sins we ourselves are guilty of committing?  Or is he saying no matter what sin is sin.  Don't fight fire with fire.  If I steal from a thief, lie to a liar, gossip about a gossiper, or kill a killer, I am still guilty of those sins and will be punished.  Don't fall into the "he did it first" or the "teaching them a lesson" trap, instead, let's recognize that we all have our own sins without becoming guilty of someone else's. 

God, please forgive me of my sins.  Amen.

Genesis 4:14

"'Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.'" Genesis 4:14

Cain interprets God's words to me that God will no longer watch over Cain and he fears the same end he gave his brother, murder.  That is ultimately the worst punishment - being hidden from God's sight, separated from our creator.

Genesis 4:13

"Cain said to the Lord, 'My punishment is more than I can bear.'"  Genesis 4:13

So now, God has told Cain what the consequences of his sins are and Cain has is telling God it's too much.  It's hard to imagine complaining about the consequences of any sin we commit, much less murder (after all, it's our own fault for doing it), to God, and yet I still find myself doing this very thing, even when I know what the outcome will be before I do the deed.  This last year, it has been, "God, why can't I feel closer to you?  Why can't I be stronger?" at the same time that I've been distancing my self from other Christians and not reading or studying his word and not praying.  "God why am I obsessed with this?" as I turn another page and search for more of the same.

I've heard it said, the first thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging.  I've looked around and realized I'm in the hole, but I keep digging even when I know I should quit.  I know I should pray for help and I know I should put aside the shovel, but I just can't find the words to pray or bear to turn to him.  I don't want to let go yet.

The best I can do right now is to pray, "God, help me to want to do better."  Even that prayer sounds begrudging to my own mind.  It's hard even now to ask for that.  I know what the consequence will be if I keep digging further, soon the shovel won't be just a shovel any more, but an excavator and the hole will be my grave and the light of God's goodness will be a distance memory.  Getting out will seem impossible.  One thing will lead to another and then I won't recognize myself anymore.  One day I'll wake up and wonder how I got there and where God went, only to realize he didn't go anywhere it was me who left him behind.

Even knowing this, I'm having a hard time letting go.  God, help me not to wait until after it's all said and done to realize that the punishment is to great for me to bear.  Please help me let go of my addiction and turn to you instead.  Amen.