Genesis 4:13

"Cain said to the Lord, 'My punishment is more than I can bear.'"  Genesis 4:13

So now, God has told Cain what the consequences of his sins are and Cain has is telling God it's too much.  It's hard to imagine complaining about the consequences of any sin we commit, much less murder (after all, it's our own fault for doing it), to God, and yet I still find myself doing this very thing, even when I know what the outcome will be before I do the deed.  This last year, it has been, "God, why can't I feel closer to you?  Why can't I be stronger?" at the same time that I've been distancing my self from other Christians and not reading or studying his word and not praying.  "God why am I obsessed with this?" as I turn another page and search for more of the same.

I've heard it said, the first thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging.  I've looked around and realized I'm in the hole, but I keep digging even when I know I should quit.  I know I should pray for help and I know I should put aside the shovel, but I just can't find the words to pray or bear to turn to him.  I don't want to let go yet.

The best I can do right now is to pray, "God, help me to want to do better."  Even that prayer sounds begrudging to my own mind.  It's hard even now to ask for that.  I know what the consequence will be if I keep digging further, soon the shovel won't be just a shovel any more, but an excavator and the hole will be my grave and the light of God's goodness will be a distance memory.  Getting out will seem impossible.  One thing will lead to another and then I won't recognize myself anymore.  One day I'll wake up and wonder how I got there and where God went, only to realize he didn't go anywhere it was me who left him behind.

Even knowing this, I'm having a hard time letting go.  God, help me not to wait until after it's all said and done to realize that the punishment is to great for me to bear.  Please help me let go of my addiction and turn to you instead.  Amen.